


Toru Oikawa Was Not A Genius

by Riddle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Comfort, Depression, Hurt, M/M, PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, tw death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riddle/pseuds/Riddle
Summary: The night after Aoba Johsai's loss to Shiratorizawa Kageyama is woken to a disturbing and panicked call from Iawaizumi who is frantically searching for Oikawa who disappeared after the match. Kageyama begins his search for his rival and former mentor in hopes that he can find him before that moron does something he can't take back. (TW Suicide)
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 9
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

The first sign that something was wrong came after midnight. 

It was still dark outside the window when Kageyama’s cell phone rang next to him waking him from a deep sleep. He jolted forward startled and confused as he felt around his bed for his phone. Without fully opening his tired eyes he answered the call and with a heavy yawn said “Hello?” 

“Kageyama?” A familiar voice said on the other end 

Kageyama’s eyes widened as he realized he recognized the anxious and frustrated voice of Iwaizumi on the line. 

“…Yeah?” He answered hesitantly 

This was weird. Why would Iwaizumi be calling him of all people? They’d never talked outside of games and tournaments so it wasn’t like they were any sort of good friends or even acquaintances really. Beyond that Kageyama could tell something was off by the quiver in Iwaizumi’s voice. A late-night call from someone he’d barely spoken to with a mysterious edge of tension didn’t bode well and Kageyama felt a chill crawl up his spine. 

“H-have you…uh, I mean…” his voice was shaky and hesitant “Ah fuck it, have you heard from Toru tonight? I mean Oikawa, have you heard from him?” 

Oikawa? Was that what this was about? 

Kageyama pushed down a sudden burst of instinctive anger at the mention of Oikawa’s name. Just one day before this, Seijo led by Oikawa had beaten Karasuno in the inter-high preliminaries and Kageyama still felt the harsh sting of that defeat. The last person he had wanted to hear about tonight was Oikawa. 

“No.” He said stiffly 

There was some silence on the other end before Iwaizumi finally said: “…Okay…if you hear anything call me.” 

“What is this about?” Kageyama asked feeling drawn into this but not sure he really wanted to get involved or have anything to do with this 

“I think…I think it's about the tournament earlier today.” Iwaizumi said 

Kageyama had heard that Seijo had had their final match today versus Shiratorizawa. 

“Oh, okay.” He definitely wasn’t ready to talk about volleyball after Karasuno’s defeat 

“They won.” Iwaizumi said flatly 

Kageyama felt his eyes widen and his jaw drop open. He knew what a powerful opponent Shiratorizawa was especially with Ushiwaka at the front, but after their last game against Seijo, he found himself surprised that Shiratorizawa had walked away victorious. He had figured this was finally going to be the year that Oikawa got his revenge on his rival. 

“Oh…” was all he could manage 

“It was close but…Ushiwaka was a force of nature. It was insane.” 

Kageyama was familiar with how much Oikawa wanted to beat Ushiwaka. They’d been rivals since junior high but Ushiwaka was the one person that Oikawa had never managed to overcome in an official game; he was untouchable. 

“And Oikawa took it hard?” Kageyama guessed 

“Mhm,” Iwaizumi confirmed “I’ve never seen that look on his face…he wasn’t angry or sad or I don’t even know…he looked so empty afterward. He just walked out of the gym after the game without a word and no one has heard from him since.” 

“He probably just needed to cool down,” Kageyama said entirely familiar with what a drama queen Oikawa could be and how personally he would take a loss like that in his third and final year at high school 

“That’s what I thought,” Iwaizumi said “but…but I called his house tonight and his parents said that he never came home. They haven’t heard from him all day.” 

Kageyama felt his blood freeze. 

“W-what…?” 

“Yeah…I’ve been calling him all night, I’m out looking for him now but I can’t find him anywhere,” he said with building frustration in his voice, “I thought maybe he’d reached out to you. You guys have a weird relationship I don’t really understand and I just thought maybe…maybe you’d heard something.” 

“I haven’t.” 

Iwaizumi sighed a short shaky breath. 

“When I find that moron I’m going to kill him.” Iwaizumi said firmly and on the verge of exhausted angry tears

“I’ll go look for him,” Kageyama said definitively already sitting up in bed and looking for his jacket 

“You don’t have to…” Iwaizumi started but it was clear that his own uncertainty and fear was overcoming his more private nature, “but thank you.” 

Three hours passed as Kageyama patrolled the streets searching for any sign of Oikawa. He had tried looking in the shops and parks near Oikawa’s home and had even swung by Seijo to look in at the volleyball court hoping to find him practicing late at night alone. But there was no sign of him to be found. 

The sun was starting to peak out against the horizon by the time that Kageyama was finishing his loop of the city. Some of the shops and restaurants were starting to open and while no one was out walking the streets the day was clearly beginning again as cars and trucks had begun to reappear on the roads. 

He’d been out all night and had had no success. 

Kageyama knew what a nuisance Oikawa could be, but disappearing like this wasn’t like him and that set Kageyama’s teeth on edge. Oikawa was loud and immature and usually, when he was down he sulked and behaved childishly for attention or acted out in boisterous and showy ways. The silence from him was deafening. 

Kageyama tried to imagine what could be going through Oikawa’s mind right now. He wasn’t the type to get bogged down by a defeat for long, but when it came to Ushiwaka Oikawa could be unpredictable. Their rivalry was one of the things that Oikawa felt most strongly in the world and the goal of defeating Shiratorizawa was one of the major driving factors of Oikawa’s ambition. To have lost his final game in high school to them was a slap in the face like no other. After years of heavy-handed defeats this had been Oikawa’s last chance to come out ahead and prove his worth and skill and he had been shut down once and for all. His last chance to win was over and he had to feel that loss deeply. It must have been like losing the ability to see the way forward like he was lost in a fog and had been chasing a false hope that had just passed through his fingers. 

Kageyama clenched his fist and set his jaw pushing forward imagining what that pain would feel like if it were him. Suddenly he understood why Iwaizumi had sounded so shaken up, this was bad. 

Kageyama turned a sharp corner as his quickening pace phased into a full panicked sprint. But he stopped in his tracks when his eyes locked on the covered bus stop across the street and the slouched form of Oikawa sitting on the bench with his head in his hands. 

He sucked in a sharp breath and couldn’t decide if he felt relief or shock in finally seeing him. 

“Oikawa!” He called across the street jogging up up the sidewalk until he was parallel to the bus stop 

Almost in a trance, Oikawa looked up at the sound of his own name. 

Kageyama felt a jolt go through him and his muscles tensed when he saw the dazed and glossy look in Oikawa’s eyes. 

Much to the frustration of both his rivals and his teammates Oikawa was usually a lively and sharp personality and always appeared put together and composed. But this time the look on his face was completely different. 

Iwaizumi had been right when he’d said Oikawa had looked empty after the match. His face looked gaunt and pale and he seemed to look right through Kageyama like he didn’t really see him at all. 

He still wore his volleyball uniform but must have left his jacket behind at the gym when he had made his exit. It was a cold morning following a freezing night and Oikawa seemed to shiver numbly and his blue veins were clear through his nearly translucent skin. This was not the Oikawa that Kageyama was used to. 

“Oikawa, what the hell?!” He demanded furiously crossing the street feeling the blood rush to his face 

“Huh?” Was all Oikawa managed still not really looking at Kageyama almost like he wasn’t sure what he was seeing or if it was real 

“I got a panicked call from Iwaizumi last night freaked out about you storming off after your match with no word about where you went or what you did. You scared the hell out of a lot of people!” 

“…the match…” 

“Yeah,” Kageyama said starting to reel back in his fury when it was clear that Oikawa was not really listening to him and resembled a shell shocked survivor not really processing what was happening. 

Kageyama felt his shoulders soften a little. Talking to people and being nice and comforting had never been his strong suit, but he could tell that he needed to switch tactics if he was ever going to get through to Oikawa. 

“Look…” he started “I heard about what happened. That really sucks I know what that game must have meant to you. It must hurt, but you scared a lot of people with how you reacted and you need to come with me.” 

Oikawa just kept staring straight ahead unblinkingly studying the pavement lines in the road. 

“W-we lost.” He said hauntingly and visibly shivering from the cold 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Our last chance…” 

“Sometimes that’s just how it is,” Kageyama said realizing now he was speaking from his own experience and digging into the bitterness in his own heart. “You beat us Oikawa, you think we felt good about that? No.” 

He nodded absently. 

“Last chance,” He repeated, “It’s over. There’s nothing else.” 

“Look,” Kageyama said finally “we can work things out later but right now you need to listen to me and call Iwaizumi to let him know you’re safe. He’s been worried sick.” 

Kageyama dug into his pocket looking for his cell phone when he realized that in his rush to leave during the night he had left it behind in his room. 

“Shit,” he cursed “I don’t have my phone.” 

Oikawa looked at him for the first time as if just now realizing he was there. 

“You can have mine.” He said handing Kageyama his cell phone 

Kageyama couldn’t begin to describe his surprise. 

“Okay, thanks,” he said opening the phone and searching for Iwaizumi’s contact “I’m just going to call Iwaizumi and tell him to come to get you okay? Then I’ll give it back.” 

“Keep it.” Oikawa said, “It’s yours.” 

“Huh?” 

Oikawa stood up and glanced behind Kageyama intently watching something out of his line of sight. His glazed eyes looked hollow and defeated but his jaw set with determination. 

“Tell Iwa-chan…” Oikawa began walking away from the sidewalk and into the road “I’m sorry.” 

Before Kageyama could react, Oikawa took one final step and then froze in the center of the road. He turned to Kageyama with a wistful yet peaceful look and then stared straight ahead with a tranquil and relieved smile on his face as a truck barreling down the road struck him at full speed.


	2. The Aftermath

Two weeks had passed since that terrible night but the moment seemed to play on some kind of horrible loop in Kageyama’s mind. He couldn’t get it out of his head. Every time he closed his eyes and just when it seemed he was on the verge of peace and sleep, it would play again in agonizing and excruciating detail. 

Kageyama saw himself standing frozen, helpless, on the sidewalk as a tranced and ghostly Oikawa walked onto the road and into the path of that truck with that hauntingly peaceful smile on his lips. Why had he smiled? What was he thinking? Why did he do that? Kageyama couldn’t make sense of it and it made his head spin. 

The moments that had followed were what truly scarred his memories though. The sight of the impact, the sound of the aftermath, the feeling in his stomach, and even the smell of the blood mixing with the engine exhaust…

He woke with a start. 

He hadn’t slept through the night since it had happened. It was all too much. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the projections of that night on the back of his eyelids like they had been seared into his skin with a hot branding iron. His heart raced and he felt sweat bead and roll down his face. 

Slowly he caught his breath and looking up he saw the morning light shining on his black suit hanging on his closet door reminding him why tonight's dreams had seemed the most vivid yet. Today, after all, was Oikawa’s funeral. 

The cemetery was already crawling with mourners when Kageyama arrived. Kageyama found himself thinking that there was too much black. It was too depressing, too flat and plain—nothing like Oikawa. He wondered if his rival would have approved of this ceremony. He imagined Oikawa’s bored callow voice teasing:

“This funeral is such a lifeless affair. I’d never be caught dead at a party this lame.” 

Kageyama caught himself stifling a laugh at that morbid thought. 

Oikawa’s parents were at the front of the crowd. They stood near the gravesite and next to a small table containing a picture of Oikawa, his best setter award from middle school, and his most used and abused volleyball from home. Kageyama’s heart sank at the thought of those things being all they had left of him. 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to make his way to the front without breaking down completely and so he kept his distance and quietly stood watching from the back. 

Some of the Seijo players made their way to the front and seemed to be talking to Oikawa’s parents. What every they were saying must have been comforting to them because they smiled as much as they could on a day like this and seemed to thank them for coming. 

Kageyama scanned the faces and realized that Iwaizumi was missing from the crowd. 

As the volleyball team waded away from the front Kindaichi caught sight of Kageyama and came up to him. 

“Hey man,” he started carefully “how are you holding up?”

That was a stupid question, Kageyama thought, how was he? Surely that was obvious. But still…Kageyama reminded himself that Kindaichi only meant to be kind and so he held his tongue. 

“How you’d expect, I guess.” He said 

Kindaichi just nodded   
“Where is Iwaizumi?” Kageyama asked surveying the crowd again

Kindaichi looked down not wanting to meet Kageyama’s eyes. 

“He stayed by the car,” he finally said, “I don’t…I don't think he can’t handle this right now you know?” 

“Yeah.” 

Instantly Kageyama felt a pang of guilt. Of course, Iwaizumi was struggling, how could he have been so selfish to forget what had happened after the accident… 

While Kageyama had remained frozen on the sidewalk bystanders had called an ambulance and eventually, the approaching sound of sirens had been enough to shake him out of his shock just enough to finish his call to Iwaizumi. 

“Oikawa!” Iwaizumi’s voice had boomed on the other end 

Kageyama felt his body go numb and his head spin. How had he forgotten Oikawa had handed him his phone to use before…this. Iwaizumi thought that Oikawa had called him, that Oikawa was safe…and now Kageyama would need to tear that all down with the horrible and cruel truth. 

Iwaizumi’s voice had contained a mixture of ecstatic relief and rising fury like he couldn’t decide between relieved and encouraged by receiving a call from Oikawa and beginning a lecture to tell him off for scaring him half to death. 

“No…it's Kageyama.” He said almost in a whisper still with his eyes focused on the scene in the middle of the road

“Kageyama?” Iwaizumi said surprised with clear and present anxiety rising in his voice “Where is Oikawa, why are you calling me on his phone?” 

“Iwaizumi…” he stammered “S-something…I-I don’t know what happened, but I…he…um.” 

He trailed off not having the words to even begin to describe what he’d seen. 

“What happened?!” Iwaizumi demanded with a shaking voice “Let me talk to him! Let me talk to Oikawa!” 

“I-I can’t,” Kageyama said breathlessly “Y-you need to get down here we’re by the bus stop…you need to be here.” 

Kageyama’s memory of that morning were foggy at best so he couldn’t remember exactly how long it had taken but Iwaizumi had arrived just after the ambulance even though he had been called after them. He turned the corner sprinting with fear and tears choking his eyes but skidded to a halt when he saw Kageyama and his eyes landed on the scene in the middle of the road. 

His eyes widened and his jaw fell; it was as if something deep inside him had shattered. His face crumpled and his shoulders fell as he dropped to his knees with his eyes fixed on Oikawa’s broken body lying in the street. 

“NO!” He screamed, “NO NO NO..No it can’t be!” 

His screams of denial slowly devolved into sobs of pain as Kageyama rushed over to try and keep Iwaizumi away from the scene. Kageyama had no claim to great sensitivity or great emotional intelligence but even he knew that getting closer would only hurt Iwaizumi more. 

“Iwaizumi…I am so sorry. I-I don’t know what happened, everything was fine b-but then…h-he…he just…” 

“He did it, didn’t he?!” Iwaizumi shouted accusingly, his voice cracking “He walked out there on purpose, he did this. It wasn’t an accident.” 

Kageyama nodded painfully 

“I knew something was wrong,” he wailed almost as if he was pleading “I knew it, I tried to stop him but…oh god I should have done something sooner! I-I should have gone after him right away, right when he left. Oh my god, I could have stopped him! That moron!!” 

“I’m so sorry Iwaizumi,” Kageyama started “I tried to talk to him too but…I don’t know, something was off with him I don’t think he was listening, I don’t think he heard me, I don't understand what happened. He wasn’t himself.” 

“I could have stopped him…god why didn’t I do something sooner I am so stupid…” Iwaizumi muttered shaking with rage clenching his fist and biting his lip to hold back the tears 

“This isn’t your fault.” 

Iwaizumi didn’t answer. Instead, he looked up at the sky, and with gritted teeth seemed to curse the heavens or fate or Oikawa himself; Kageyama wasn’t sure. 

Once the ambulance drivers had gotten to work and other emergency services had arrived on site, Iwaizumi had gone over to the EMTs and after a short conversation, he got into the ambulance with them as they wheeled in the gurney with Oikawa’s body and drove away. 

Kageyama hadn’t seen or heard from Iwaizumi since. 

Feeling shaken out of that memory, Kageyama found himself again at the funeral face-to-face with Kindaichi who was staring at him oddly making Kageyama wonder exactly how long he had been standing there in silence remembering. 

“I should see him.” Kageyama decided 

Kindaichi didn’t argue 

“I need to go pay some respects and I promised the coach I would go up with him later, but I’ll catch you later?” He said it as a statement not a question, telling Kageyama that he would be around if and when he ever wanted to talk 

“Yeah, sure.” 

As Kageyama walked away from the ceremony crowds and towards the cars, he noticed familiar faces streaming towards the cemetery. Faces that Kageyama knew from training camps and tournaments, faces of fellow volleyball players even those from other teams that had all come to pay their finals respects to the great king. 

Kageyama pushed that thought out of his head and wove between cars until he spotted Iwaizumi’s head turned away from the yard. 

“Iwaizumi,” Kageyama said trying to greet him as delicately as he knew how 

He turned and flashed a pair of red teary eyes at Kageyama. He had dark circles under his eyes and he stood shakily leaning against the car for support. 

Kageyama had wondered if Iwaizumi would blame him for what had happened, he wouldn’t have blamed him after all…he knew he blamed himself at least on some level. But instead, Iwaizumi tried to manage a kind smile and greeted him. 

“Hey, Kageyama.” 

Kageyama couldn’t bare to be just one more person today asking how Iwaizumi has or how he was holding up so instead, he joined him leaning against the car and with a sigh said:

“This fucking sucks.” 

Iwaizumi looked over at him startled at first but then nearly broke into tears letting out what must have been his first laugh since the accident. 

“You know…it really does.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Kageyama said immediately wondering if he had overstepped and cursed himself for getting too personal 

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Yeah…I know what I said before but, I do know that now,” he looked down at his shoes and bit at his chapped lip “I mean, I know I probably could have done more but…I mean, Shittykawa was always such a dramatic bitch that I don’t know if I really would have done more given the chance and what I knew at the time…”

Kageyama nodded 

“I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time, and that has to be enough because the other option is living with the weight of his choice on me forever and that is not living…he wouldn’t want it that way.” 

“I don’t know,” Kageyama started with a dry smile peeling across his face “I’m sure if Oikawa had had the opportunity to make sure people were constantly living under the weight of him he’d be pretty happy. He was kind of egomaniac.” 

Such a macabre joke could have easily landed wrong but Iwaizumi just smiled and leaned his head back. 

“Yeah he could really suck sometimes that is for sure,” He careened into the sun so he could feel the beams on his skin “But you know, he was also a pretty good guy when he wanted to be.” 

There was a beat of silence.

“He was a good captain, and a good friend, and…and I am going to miss his stupid face and his stupid laugh and his stupid nicknames so fucking much. No one else calls me Iwa-chan…he was the only one.” 

“Yeah.”

Iwaizumi shook his head looking away again and took a deep contemplative breath before shakily beginning again. 

“I loved him you know.” 

Kageyama did know. 

“He loved you too.” 

Iwaizumi smiled doubtfully 

“I don’t know. I sometimes wonder if he even thought about me at all.” 

“He did,” Kageyama said turning seriously towards Iwaizumi “Everything moved so fast that day so I never got to fulfill my last promise to Oikawa but…the last thing he said to me…was to tell you that he was sorry. Even when he was out of his head and already leaning into the next life, he was able to think of you in his last seconds and I think I understand now that it brought him peace…you know he smiled right at the end? I couldn’t understand why before, but now…” 

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened and streams of tears started to flow. 

“Stupid idiot Trashykawa,” he laughed redness coming into his face “he really would be lame and mushy like that right at the end just when I couldn’t beat his ass for it.” 

Iwaizumi took a deep stabilizing breath and then turned at stopped at the sight of a red car pulling up a few spots over and Tendou and Ushiwaka from Shiratorizawa stepping out of the car dressed in all black. 

Kageyama felt himself grit his teeth. Ultimately Oikawa’s actions had been his own, and Kageyama knew it wasn’t fair to blame Ushiwaka just for winning at volleyball, but at the same time when he looked at Ushiwaka’s face…all he could see was the pain and suffering that his latest victory had led to and he was angry. 

Tendou spotted them first and pointed them out to Ushiwaka who turned and his a steely disposition came marching over. 

Iwaizumi must have been feeling the same as Kageyama because for a moment his shoulders tensed but finally, they relaxed as he let his guard down and Ushiwaka made his entrance. 

“Iwaizumi, Kageyama,” He said in his deep gruff voice acknowledging them both of them “I’m sorry for you loss.” 

It seemed insincere but it was clear that Ushiwaka was making an effort even if Kageyama wasn’t fully ready to accept it yet. 

“Sure.” He said stiffly 

This response seemed to unnerve Ushiwaka who looked askance at Tendou who nodded and encouraged him to continue. 

“I’ve heard about what happened,” he said seriously “I know you may blame me, but I hope that I can-“ 

Iwaizumi cut him off. 

“This wasn’t your fault.” 

Ushiwaka looked both relieved and confused like he had expected a fight or at least a bigger reaction. 

“Either way I wanted to pay my respects,” he said glancing towards the crowded lawn “Oikawa was a master setter and had easily one of the best serves in the prefecture—maybe the country. He was a true genius of volleyball and I wanted to pay my respects to his legacy.” 

Iwaizumi scoffed 

“I’m sure he would have been thrilled to hear that you thought so, but it’s just not true,” Iwaizumi mused “I want to remember Oikawa the way he lived. I want to remember exactly what he was like when he was at my side including the imperfections. I have no use for some gold-coated memory of him with smoothed out edges. The closest I can have to seeing him again is at least honoring him by remembering him honestly and faithfully for how he lived.” 

Ushiwaka raised an eye brow and Kageyama found himself leaning in to understand what Iwaizumi meant. 

“He was a great setter, yes. He had a killer serve, yes. But his skill never came from natural ability, it wasn’t grown from some uncanny talent or superpower like some of the aces we’ve played. He wasn’t like that. He was always working and thinking and trying to improve and that was what made him great. Sometimes he worked too hard, he’d go too far, he would take things too far…”

Iwaizumi stopped and sighed as he realized what he had said but just shook his head with bittersweet acceptance.

“But that was because of his own drive, his own effort,” Iwaizumi finished with tears welling up in his eyes again “Toru Oikawa was a lot of things. He was my best friend and he was my first love. He was hard working and driven but he could also be selfish and scheming and a real pain in my ass and I’m sure yours too. He was a lot of things…but Toru Oikawa was not a genius and that was what made him who he was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this story or had any thoughts and reactions reading it I would love to hear them! Please leave a comment below!

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any thoughts or feelings please leave a comment I’d love to read them!! Planning a part two so be on the look out if you liked the first!


End file.
